By Louis A. Zona
YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio – Shock jock Howard Stern has declared war on clutter. During one of his radio programs, he spoke about the fact that clutter and what he calls unnecessary junk needs to be tossed to create a minimalist lifestyle.
With one of his radio producers emptying a storage locker, he spent the next hour throwing away such things as old trophies, plaques, magazines (even with articles about himself), T-shirts, unused household objects, old 45 recordings – just about anything classified as clutter or junk.
I wish that I could follow Stern’s lead and rid my life of all the stuff that nearly fills my house. But I just can’t do it. Why would I ever want to toss those old Life magazines when Frank Sinatra is on the cover of that April 1965 issue?
It would break my heart to throw out the baseball mitt I used in high school – even if haven’t played ball in 39 years. Those old couch pillows fit my head perfectly and those old toothbrushes must be good for something. And the mateless socks are still good.
Following up with Howard Stern’s new clutter-free goals, I discovered an article in a magazine called “50 Things to Throw Away.” After spending $20 for a card game where a key piece is missing, I’ll keep it just in case that missing piece shows up. And as for puzzles, I dare not keep a puzzle with a missing part. Then again, maybe I should – $20 is $20.
One of my cousins wanted to know why I’ve kept my old textbooks from college when I haven’t opened one in over 45 years. But hey, those books are as good as new and besides, you never know when you might want to solve that puzzle of a village in Germany.
Why would I want to throw a perfectly good Colgate toothbrush into the garbage can? I know what you’re thinking: The brush would come in handy when doing household maintenance such as caulking putty around windows and doors.
Barnet Newman, the writer of the article on clutter, kept using the term “minimalism” to describe the effort of throwing unnecessary stuff into the dumpster.
But let me share something with you relating to the use of that term. Minimalism was a contemporary art movement where the artist creates art that is simple and lacking in complexity of any type. One of the best known of these artists was Ellsworth Kelly, whose paintings were often large and what one critic called ABC art.
Other Minimalists include Donald Judd, Tony Smith, Jules Oilskin and Barnet Newman.
The author of “50 Things to Throw Away” could not have meant my favorite jackets that I haven’t worn in six months. They’re perfectly good jackets that I bought in Sears a couple of years ago on a Labor Day sale.
I don’t know why I get teased about my pants. They’re not ready for the Salvation Army pickup. But they’ll certainly be my first choice when I’m ready to dispose of these good-looking pants that are also sentimental since Sears hasn’t been around here in a couple of years. But I really like my pants, in fact all my clothes. Let’s put it this way: My clothes are off-limits. And not a single tie will meet the “feared knot of death.”
Let’s talk about underwear. We guys tend to hold onto underwear beyond its wearability. Comic Jerry Seinfeld talks about how guys will wear their underwear until it hangs on a single thread. Now what’s wrong with that as long as it is under and not over?
My sentimentality really surfaces around the holidays and my birthdays. Thoughtful family and friends send me wonderful cards that I just can’t throw away. I do not classify these hundreds of cards as clutter. How could a gesture so sweet ever be considered clutter?
The answer according to my analysis is that they must be saved no matter how much clutter they create by cards lying around the house.
Certain large items do indeed take up very large space like that single tire in my garage. It’s perfectly good but there’s only one. There’s no way that I’m going to get rid of an expensive Firestone.
I guess that I could clear away that tire clutter by advertising it in the Penny Pincher. But – why would anyone else want a single tire unless that person already has a single tire in his garage?
And am I the only person who seems to have half-empty bottles here and there in his house, attic or garage? I always seem to have full bottles of aftershave lotion lying around that were probably Christmas gifts that are the wrong smell for me.
I’m neither the musk scent nor the fancy nightclub shaving lotion. But no way am I throwing them away. Most are not dumpster worthy.
I may as well send my small rental dumpster away. If I’m ever to end my cluttering lifestyle, it can’t be right now since I’m too busy to deal with these objects that I see as the story of my life. Could I ever save that plastic statue of a pointing Babe Ruth that my brother gave me when I was a kid? Or that Smith Corona typewriter that my dad saved for a high school graduation gift?
No doubt that I talked myself out of a decluttering job. But I will say this about clutter: Not all clutter is bad clutter.